So, as usual I'm running fashionably late to go to the doctors. Had to call them up and tell them that I'll be late coz (once again) I'm semi-hung over, semi-drunk, and running late....
Oh, it's OK, you're the DWR, right? Helical CT at 1:30pm? Oh we can move you to 2:30pm.
Gawd, they must know me well by now -- I come here for my asthma, I'm here once a year for a Full Frontal Medical, and I also get my "punany" (female reproductive organs) checked at this hospital. They *know* I'm always "running late". My gynaechologist (a woman) remembers me veeeery vividly, for the first time I went to her she had "noted" something about the wench-punany.
"Oh my! What happened? You obviosly do not shave like some of my clients. You have no hair! Let me check your blood for hormone levels.... Have you always been like this?"
"Ummmm.... No. I get it *removed*. You know, 'wax on, wax off'? I know I don't get laid that frequently, but I still keep my "tush" in shape, you know, just in case I *do* get lucky?"
"My Gawd! I've never heard, or *seen*, such thing! Doesn't it hurt? Do you do it yourself?"
(of course it does!! wax on, wax off!?!?! But anything for the sake of beauty, and sensual cunilingus!!!!)
HELL NO! I get Holly at Boudoir to do it! Do you want her phone number? She'll do a fantastic job! Just look at me. And this is over a week old!!
(Boudoir is the only place in the *whole* of Tokyo, hell maybe even JAPAN, that does Brazilian waxes. Anyway, why do they call the fanny wax "Brazilian"? Do all Brazilian women have them? Mayby it's for the carnival; I've seen some really skimpy stuff on those women! WHOA! I you had a "Fair Enough" you'be really, um, exposing more than what you wished at the festival, right? Not so good, lah!
Readers, watch any Japanese porn, or go to a public bath/hotspring and you will see that the women of the "land of the rising sun" have 70s-porn-actress style, "natural" (i.e. unkept), bushy punanies.
Serious!!!
Anyways, my designer pussy aside, I get called by the receptionist who tells me to go to "Basement 1" for my CT. Now this hospital is a very "fluffy" hospital. It has a name, a theme for each of the floors in the building:
"The Forest Floor" is the general outpatient floor.
"The Sea Floor" is for the old cronnies that have nothing wrong with them, apart from the fact that they are old, so get handed out placebos; some even get massages for their aches and pain -- anything to make them feel better. All within their healthcare limit, of course.
"The Asian Resort Floor" is where people have their Full Frontal Medicals.
"The Angel's Floor" is where they have all the "femmy" stuff. The fanny and tit doctors are there. (There are only women doctors on this floor -- makes us feel better to have a woman look after our tits and fanny.) So what is "Basement 1" called?
The Examination Floor.
Great. Makes me feel well at home, huh? I'm in some basement called the "Examination Floor" getting Kodak Moments of my pancreas.
Fuck.
A "fluffy" bloke greets me and takes me to the "changing" room. (what am I going to change into? Dracula?) He told me to take all my clothes off, apart from my knickers, and to get into this blue gown, which I can discribe only as being made from recycled paper.
Paper gowns and helical CTs...
I go into the CT room after I get out of my warm, wooly "normal" clothing (all natural fibres), and into the recycled-paper gown.
"Okaaay. You'll be fine. Please drink this. It's only water. Okaaaay? Right, please lie down with your head here, okaaaay? Right, and please raise your hands. Fiiiiiine. We'll take pictures first without the dye. Dr. M, your respiratory doctor, will be here for the second half when the radiologist injects you with the dye. You'll be fine, okaaay?
Thank you "fluffy" radiologist's assistant.
I lay down on the machine, and guess what? The CT room has "fluffy" clouds painted on the ceiling!!! This place is unbelievably fluffy. It wouldn't surprise me if they give me a teddy bear and a *biiiig huuuug* if I am diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
Oh well, WTF. Oh! Wonderful! There is a CCTV just above my head so they can keep an eye on me in case something goes wrong. They are not *that* fluffy after all! I'm OK. If I lose consciousness they'll rescue me by injecting me with fluffy drugs in their fluffy gowns (probably wearing fluffy slippers!) so that I can wake up to fluffy clouds! Great. Fantastic.
I am told over the loud speaker to breath in, breath out, and hold it "there" several times as my "bed" moves. I see read, orange, and green lights flashing in the dome that they put me in; I can also see something "whizzing" around at the centre of the dome, but fuck it, I'm hung over, tired, and I'm more distracted by the fluffy clouds anyway. I wish I had my camera on me to take a picture and to show you, dear readers, the clouds really ARE fluffy, and I really AM wearing a paper gown.
(I'm only 31! WTF am I doing looking at a ceiling painted with blue skies and fluffy clouds!!)
After about 10mins of breath in/out/holds the "big boss" radiologist and my regular asthma doctor, Dr. M, came in.
"Hi Dr. M! Yeah, I'm in the basement today, not the "Forest Floor" -- teehee. You'll rescue me if I have an asthma attack, right?"
"It's OK, DWR. You've been my patient for 6 years now. You'll be fine; I'm here."
(Thank you Dr. M!! Shit, I'm now about as fluffy as the fucking clouds on the ceiling!)
The clumsy radiologist drops the IV tube (Oh, 5 second rule, it's OK! No!!!! I am *not* in good hands here!!) and asks me my name for clarification.
DEE. DABULYU. AAARE.
"Are you allergic to anything?"
My asthma doc and I reply in unison:"Non-steroidal-anti-immflamatory drugs, lactose intolerant, and allergy to shellfish"
(Boy am I glad Dr. M is here!) Does the radiologist *have* my medical records? Is he trying to trick me? Or does he have shit for brains??
The radiologist is as "fluffy" as his assistant. While he tries to find a vein in my left arm (I have very deep, fragile veins) he's explaining to me that I will have a warm (fuzzy?) feeling as he injects the "dye" into me. Dr. M and he will be constantly monitoring me thru-out the procedure, "Oh where's that vein" , but if I feel queezy, or funny, at anytime I have to tell them. "The microphone is here, and the CCTV is here. Okaaaay? You'll be fiiiiiiine."
Oh and the fluffy clouds are above...
DR.M!!!! You are my *only* hope in this fluffy place!!! I'm sooooo glad you are here to sort these fluffy buggers out!
The radiologist eventually finds one of my shy veins, and sticks an IV needle and tube attatched to his dye, which ironically is "clear". "Tell me when you feel 'warm', then we'll start". By this time I don't care; I'm hung over, dyed up, and I'm semi-tripping on the fluffy clouds. I feel a warm sensation in my left arm.
"Yuuuup. Doooooc. My left arm is warm and fuzzy, just like the clouds...."
(Dr.M is grinning by now, coz he's known me for 6 years and he *knows* that I'm the least "fluffiest" of all his patients -- I give him grief all the time about my medication!)
"Okaaaay, we'll start then. The timing between the breaths will be longer, but you should be fiiiiiine. Okaaaaay?"
Okaaay! Fuck off! Get the bloody thing over and done with! *Breathe* Nutts, breathe, just keep looking at the fluffy clouds, and we'll be fine.
It took another 10mins of breath in/out/holds before I was done. Dr.M asked me to get up slowly, listened to my lungs, and told me that I am fine. But I have to drink lots of water to get the dye out of my system. Remember?
"NSAIDs, Lactose Intolerance, and Allergy to Shellfish" (God, he's brill! Why is he sooooo good to me! Dr. M is the only non-fluffy person here!!)
I paid for the CT, 9000yen (US$90), and asked when I will get my results.
Oh your "stomach" doctor is not in until.... the 27th. What time would you like to come in? He's here only in the morning.
WHHHAAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!!! TTTHHHEEEEEEEE!!!!!! FFFAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!
WTF??
Not only had I waited since December 29th to see the doctor AND to CT'd, but I also have to wait another TEN DAYS for my results?
WTF?
Dr.M, if only the rest of this entire hospital is as efficient, and non-fluffy like you.... I have to wait 10 days for my results.
Great.
Fucking Great!
16 comments:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and sue me if you didn't like the fluffy *big hug* I left above... :)
I deleted the above post not because I am a blog-nazi, but it was a dublicate comment from anon. :) and anon, I appreciate your *big* hug: it's fuzzy, not fluffy, so it's a gooooood hug. :)
Oh come on. You are too a blog-Nazi. Then again, you'd probably be cute in hob-nailed boots goose stepping down the street. Come to think of it, Vicious probably sells those boots, too. :)
Hey my ears are ringing!
I can't believe your gyno was so flabbergasted by your 'do. That is too funny! I usually just get a smirk from mine. I don't think she would get it if I told her the "V" was for Vicious...ah well!
Let me get this straight. You've been going on about your lump and yeah, I can totally understand that. But in the same breath, you *joke* about getting your pubes ripped out on a regular basis!? Excuse me, but I wanna know what drugs you're on when you nonchalantly stroll in and say "I'm a masochist with an appointment - yes, that's right wax 'n pull pubes at three, thumbscrews at four, and hot pokers through the lats at seven. Those pesky thumbscrews are almost not worth it, they take so long." Maybe it's a good thing that women are the ones that have the babies (bowling ball through a garden hose anyone?). Who luvs ya, babe... (Kojak) :)
Cummon, fluffy clouds and hairless fannies? Has to go together, right? Perfect sense! You are talking to the woman who ate chicken sandwiches while chopping up some old man's dead head -- the corpus callosum just wouldn't look the same without a dash of breadcrumbs and mayonaise.
OK, if you had a fucking lump, made to wear a "paper gown" in a hospital that I am forever rumoured as the "woman with the hairless punany" (I bet it's riiiight there in my medical records; even the RADIOLOGIST has seen it, and that's why he forgot about my allergies, that dirty bugger!), taking "Kodak Moments" of your internal organs in a basement with trippy clouds painted on it? There is only one of two things that one can do:
1) go crazy
2) make *them* sound crazy
Yes, I took the piss out of the whole ordeal, but hey, with a twisted sense of humour like me? Who wouldn't?
It was them, daddy, it was them that made me tell everyone about my punany, not me. Please don't spank me daddy, please!
(oh the pills? I bought them in Kowloon at some Chinese herbal place -- I think they are called :Fukee-Yup 福慰亜婦, and they come in brown capsules of 300s, costs only HK$200)
Shhhhh, babe. Going around saying things like that and you'll have volunteers offering to spank you .... er ... why am I encouraging you? *g* Guess that you could pass for prepubescent if you threw on legwarmers and one of those school girl uniforms now. That hard to get a date, eh? I want some of those trippy clouds, dammit.
Cool V, high tech ears! People talk about me and the ears only get hot - did you get yours at Sharper Image or are they special order?
Summer, do you have hightech ears? Maybe we can swap them with some of my funky, happy pills from HK, just to make anon jealous -- no fluffy clouds, no boots, no happy Chinese pills, for you anon! We are keeping it amongst the cool girls!
And no, I am NOT a blog-NAZI!!
But Drunken One! *whining* I wanna get ringing earz too. How cool to hang out on the beach watching fluffy clouds and waiting for your earz to ring... You are a real blog nazi, M. Took the fluffy clouds, boots (though they'd look much better on you), happy pills, and earz all before I got a chance to get them and you took them while they were passing through your blog. Now woe is me, I have to go to Nippersville to get all the cool stuff (want ringing earz!). Then again, you've told me about the lady-boyz - not interested enuf in the toyz to become one, so I'll just have to go hang out there... *sigh*
ok, ok, I'm a nice, sweet person so I will *share* everything with all of you: boots, hightech ears, fluffy clouds, paper gown, clear *dye*, fluffy clouds, happy Chinese pills, The examination room's fluffy residents, "big daddy" and most of all, my "not-so-fluffy" punany (well, maybe not the last one. I'm not *that* nice)!
Wow...I don't know if I've ever heard a more erotic, and yet funny description of a wax job. I think it smacks of your optimism as well, keeping it nice and ready in case you should get lucky. That's awesome! Oh, I had this MRI once where they escorted me out, through the parking garage, out through the wet, cold snow and rain and into a trailer where they had a mobile MRI. FUN! Oh well, I'll be thinking about you over the next couple a weeks. Take care.
WHOA there Joe, they took you thru a PARKING LOT to take your MRI??? get a better medical insurance thingy , my friend!!! you need to be pampered, given a MANECURE and a FACIAL (even a waxing!!) when you get your MRI!!! That is what Full Frontal Medicals are all about! SEE!!!
Full Frontal Medical all about getting pampered in paper gowns and fluffy clouds getting coooooool drugs!
oh shit, I have 2 more days before I get my results.... FUCK!
oops! duplicate posting, so removed.... still not a blog Nazi, don't worry! DWR
Post a Comment