Dee Day Minus One

Tomorrow I get to have my pancreas "tomographied" for Kodak Moments to confirm if the suspected "lump" they found during my Full Frontal Medical is *really* there, or whether the incompetent quack who took my ultrasound mistook the "lump" for my second spleen. (I have two spleens, a rare, and redundant condition.) They will be injecting me with dye and taking a 3D image of my internal organs which should take about 50mins. Fancy that? I get to *see* my pancreas; I've been living with it now for 31+ years, and this is the first time I see my friend who supposedly makes insulin and digestive juices so that I can convert food into "useful" energy.

Energy for me to live.

I've always been fascinated by the concept of Schrodinger's Cat. For all I know my pancreas may not exist until the moment it is *seen* thru computerised, or magnetic imaging. For all I know my pancreas could constantly be in a completely different dimention until we "investigate" it. Who can prove -- absolutely -- that it is there when we cannot *see*, nor apply any of our 5 senses to it (or even if we could, do our 5 senses even tell us the correct information for that matter?). For all I can care there may be three little "imps" that live in my body working shifts while my lumpy pancreas takes a holiday in a different dimention, and as soon as the "docs" get into investigation mode, they just swap places with the small clump of cells that was sipping pina colada's by the poolside in a different dimention only moments ago. Imps are always shy, I suppose. A bit like me.

"If a tree falls and no one hears it, does the tree make a sound? "

If one's pancreas is supposedly creating insulin, but no one sees it, is it really there in my body until we "see" it through imaging? Is our imaging techniques accurate? Are we sure that there are no insulin manufacturing "Imps" in our bodies that just seem to hide when we look for it?"

So how do I feel about going thru my first round of tests for my suspected lump? I don't know how to describe it. I've been waiting for this day for nearly a month because of the New Years' break for the doctors. My lump is not an emergency case, right? I can't demand a CT scan at Accident&Emergency ASAP to just make sure if I'm OK. I've had days when I'm OK with it and looking forward to finding out what it is, on others I am depressed and find it soooo difficult to even get out of the house; I start drinking at 9am just to block out the boredom and the negative thoughts. I've missed 4 working days because I just can't make it out the house. Who wouldn't? Knowing that both your parents have been aflicted with cancer, my great grandfather also died of cancer... There is too much cancer in my family to keep things in perspective sometimes.

Plus I am already on "happy pills" to keep it together in general. Happy Happy, Joy Joy.

Tomorrow at 1:30pm I will be going thru my helical CT. I need to keep aware of any changes in my body, and also find out when I can get my full results of my CT -- probably thursday, or friday when my "intestinal" doc is on call for outpatients. I have already spoken to my boss, Director T, and he already knows that I may have a potentially serious condition. If I have to go for a biopsy? Well, we'll cross that bridge when I get there. I have good private, insurance coverage (luckily) so financially I should be OK. I have already drafted a "will" which I will complete only after I get the results of a biopsy. Only then, not now. I don't want to depress those around me. There are many things that I need to do; my father had terminal cancer, and he could not finish all the things that he needed to/wanted to do. I don't want to follow his footpaths.

I want to hike in the Himalayas, climb Mt. Kilimanjaro, go to Machu Pichu, dive in the Maldives, go on a "cleansing" retreat. I want to eat "Pat Thai" on Kao San Road, eat Dim Sum in Fanling, I want to haggle for cheap silk in Ulanbatur; I want to ring the "bells" in Lhasa, I want to climb Ayre's Rock, I want to feed the pigeons in Trafalgar Square, and be abused by the waiters at Yong Kees, I want to.....

Fall in love again.

Yesterday I was at my "head" doctor. I told him about my CT, the stress I felt when I was trying to bring BwanaK back home safely, and how I felt the pressures of being the "head of the family" (shit, I almost sound like Tony Soprano!) We talked for a while, and I told him that I had already drafted my will just in case something happened to me.

"But what about you? You always think about everyone else around you. Have you thought about yourself? How do you feel?"

"Doc, I have NO intension of dying. I have a bood to write, my blog to continue, a good job waiting for me, and I have to look after my family and my cats!! Plus I need to get laid! If I have to go under the knife, I will probably be joking with the surgeon about scarring me for life!"

(We laughed hard after that one!)

"You really are different from most of my patients. I don't have too many patients like you -- you are unique; strong, realistic, perfectionist, but you still have your Achilles heel. And that's why you are here.

(I concur.)

Dear readers, I have noooooo intension of being a candle in the wind. I intend to burn bright, smile, go to Amsterdam for a "date" -- hehe. I also intend to get that "Fuck-Off" job that will let me travel, and most of all, I intend to fall in love again.

Wish me well for tomorrow.

DWR.