(Note: Drafted earlier today)
I am sitting in Excelsior cafe while I wait to go see my shrink (yes, I'm not "normal", aparently). The place is packed, the only seat available is in the "smoking" section. I am seated next to a woman in her 20s blowing smoke out of her nostrils, as she sends SMSs to whoever, and a bunch of old biddies talking about how one of their friends died in her sleep last week (apparently at age 82). They too are blowing fumes out of their nostrils.
Poisonous fumes are attacking my left, right, above, and below. They come out of the old biddies' nostrils and into my lungs. How gross!! It's almost as if I drunk some wine, regurgitated it, and made these people drink it.
You are poisoning my lungs!! I'm an asthmatic!!
As soon as there is a seat available in the non-smoking section, I'm going to piss off from this "cancer zone". There is so much smoke here that it's starting to sting my eyes. If I stay here for much longer I'm going to get nicotine-stained eyes.
All around me there are sounds of lighters, *click*, *click*, *click*, *CLICK*. The three old biddies sitting next to me have 10 butts in 2 ashtrays. That's 3 1/3 per biddie! They just shortened their lives by 15.6 minutes each. They can meet their dead friend 15.6 minutes faster -- congratulations! Not long to go! Soon you will be reunited with her in heaven; you can sit together and gossip about nothing, and blow acid-rain clouds from your nostrils.
Shit the biddies are lighting up AGAIN!
No wonder I am forced to drink wine at 3 o'clock (yes I am drinking wine in a cafe, what the heck, I don't care!)
3 O'clock, Wino'clock. 3 O'clock, Whino'clock.
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2 comments:
Hehe :)
I often find taking my inhaler out, wheezing noisiliy, and a good round of death looks often works... However if you were in the smoking section, I can see how that wouldn't work :(
They're supposed to be banning smoking in all Scottish pubs/restraunts!
I can just imagine they'll smell of farts instead of stale smoke now :|
Oooooh, farts are even more dangerous!! Hydrogen Sulphide -- you should know NoTH!! Buy one of those "Clinical" masks and walk around town saying, "Oi gat SAAAAAARRRRS with your thick SCATISH accent. I think it may work.
May the force be with you, and don't forget the Serotide! (Ahhh, I hate dem feckers, but GSK make good asthma drugs!)
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