Pharma companies, just like insurance companies, are in the business of making money off people who "think", or they "are" sick. In otherwords, keeping "death" at barely-bay is their business. I mean you don't want your client base dropping off like flies after you spray insecticide, right? The more "semi-healthy" your clients, the better business for them.
So everytime I am greeted by the virtual receptionist at the Pharma-web pages, I am AMAZED! Who the fuck comes up with these slogans to make their business sound pallatable. Why don't they just say: "We make drugs to keep you alive, but unfortunately we have to design them to give you side effects. Otherwise not good for business you have to understand. But don't worry, we have more drugs to *alleviate* your side effects. We aim to keep you alive, healthy or not, till you are a centenarian!"
I'll give you an example of the *Best In Class* Pharma slogans:
- "Changing the World With Great Care" -- no shit, if you went about it like a bull in a China shop? Fuck! Our environment is already screwed, there are civil wars and conflicts, and there are nutcases with WMD (i.e. nuclear/biological/chemical warfare) ?? You BETTER be *careful* trying to "change" the world! And if you start singing "I'd like to teach, the world would sing, in perfect harmony..." I WILL SLAP YA!!
- "We Create Vital Energy" (this is a slogan of a famous Japanese company that specialises in chemotherapy) Umm.... vital energy, right. You make drugs for really sick, and really dying people. Of course you make "vital energy" just to keep them alive for even one day!! I mean, your client base is um... dying, right? I'd suggest that you move your R&D pipeline to something more profitable if I didn't have a "lump" myself! Oh, and by the way? Your products suck; too much side-effects so you better come up with better antiemetics so that people don't puke up ALL the time after they are given your, um, crappy drugs? Efficacy good, side efffects baaaaad. And don't try to *fool* an angry, lumpy pharmacologist! I know you guyz! And I'm keeping a cloooose eye on you.
- "Human Health Care" -- well done! First step in recognising your own business! HUMAN HEALTH CARE!! What did you think you were? An oil merchant?? HELLO!!! You are in the "Pharma" industry? Did you think you were changing engine oil for old Chevvies? WTF?
- "Our global quest is to improve the quality of human life by enabling people to do more, feel better, and live longer." -- Oooooh, you are *almost* the only company that is telling the truth about your intensions, but well sugar coated. I'll give you that. Yes, you want us to live longer, semi-sick, semi-worried about silly things so that you will have an increased client base. GOOD! You now have the basic concept of supply and demand. Supply us with crappy drugs that will keep us semi-alive, and you will have a constant demand of people in need of drugs! Good! I like honesty, that's very good.
- "Create Innovative Drugs In A Unique Way" -- hey, if you were making "innovative drugs" in the same old fashioned way, I will take my business and my sick arse somewhere else. It is in your best DUTY to come up with unique ways to make your drugs!! Don't state the obvious! Jeez -- get a new temp for this job! This one sucks!
- "Enriching the Quality of Life" -- would you like to elaborate on this one? How are you going to "enrich" my life? What are you going to enrich it with? More expensive drugs that would de-rich my bank account, or are you going to give me some cooool drugs that would increase my revenue coz I become soooo super intelligent, and can multitask, etc. while I am on the Job and blog? Or are you going to miraculously make me win the lottery with your products? Tell me more!
- "Everone Should Be Able to Get The Medicines They Need" -- Too fucking right! And who is hampering this progress? YOU!
- "Making Medicines Work" -- sorry, I know that I have killed a few brain cells off with my alcohol abuse, but please. I'm not going to buy drugs from a company that openly states that they are "Making Medicines that Don't Work?" Common sense, dear company, common sense! Please!
- "In Feb. 1999 I chose the music for my funeral; within weeks I got out of my wheel chair to walk on my own" -- LaDonna Lopossa. Read LaDonna's story here =>. Fuck me! Is this some Televangelist sponsoring this pharma co? I cannot believe that I am seeing this shit! Web-receptionist is telling me to look at hallmark adds as soon as I walk into the bloodsucking doorways! WTF? I am not falling for this sappy shit. Give me the correct info, and I am going to fuck off before you sell me bibles!
- "Live Inspiring Ideas" -- yes well "living inspiring ideas" is all too good, that's what I used to do as a student when I was constantly stoned.... Can you at least say something like "Changing Inspriation to Real Product" or something? What the fuck do you make anyway? More drugs for men who can't get it up?
- "Extending and Enhancing Human Life" -- now *that* is the first one, honest to gawd web-receptionist, that has come anywhere close to the truth. Yes, you extend our lives, yes you give us the "illusion" that our life has been enhanced, and when your drugs run out? We come running back for more! Gosh! You are like the best crack dealers! Get them hooked on the quality shit, and then as the crackheads get more addicted and needy, give them the "new enhanced version" i.e. more shite, so that there is an endless supply of people trying to "extend and enhance their human lives". The older guyz are better coz they get paranoid about dying -- give them the illusion of longlivity, euphoria -- damn! You are good! I think you are "Best in Practice"!!
Dear readers, never listen to the web-receptionists at pharmaceutical company web-pages.... They are full of shit, coz you know why? They hire bullshit artists -- like me -- to come up with silly slogans.
10 comments:
This yall, is really some of her best work. I laughed and laughed... not cause I am high, but because this is funny. And truthful. What is the big award they give to writers? A puletzer or something like that maybe... Well hand it to DWR, this was great. I do hope it all gets put in a book.
Bravo!
Seriously, too funny. I've been meaning to blog about the worst slogan I've heard lately. It on a Unicef radio spot: "Let create our own tsunami. A tsunami of compassion.". I know they probably were on a strict deadline that didn't allow for much shopping around for slogans, but come on! I want to gag everytime I hear it.
Oops, I accidently posted that anonymously ;)
o, you still up? when do you sleep??
Yes Summer, I am bombarded daily with this sort of silliness, and sad part is that they are my "clients"... they are just *asking* to be ripped off and sold Pink Elephant products, like SLAPPER, from the likes of our company!!
Talking about silly slogans, maybe I will start collecting pictures of "Silly English Slogans on Japanese T-shirts" -- now they are "really" funny!
don't worry all -- what do I do for a living? Pharma Co's. I con them, and I insult them: I consult them!!
Yes, all they are on about is "increase profits, faster time to market, prolong product lifecycle" and all that Jazz. Well, that's why I have NO ISSUES making money from them to pay for my monthly facials.
My little "poetic justise"
Yes, indeed, there are many ethical issues with pharma companies -- their prices are too high, and they blame it on the healthcare providers/ PMOs, which in turn blames the government for lack of funding, which in turn bitch at us because we are not as fucking rich as them and don't look after ourselves or buy into the "private healthcare" that the politicians sit on the "Board of Membership"s of... Blame gets passed from one hand to another like a batton in a relay race, but the only difference between a relay and the "pass de dutchie" they are playing? There is no goal. People suffer in the meantime, people are still sick, people are still poor.
I am a trained pharmacologist; I am licensed to perform both in vitro and in vivo experiments on animals (vivisection), but do I do that for a living? Have I ever? No. The day that I found out (in my first year at Uni) that an ulcer drug for a well known British Pharma Co. rakes in more money than the top5 leading vaccinations that can save children's lives I knew that I was NOT going to work for these drug pimps. So I thought, right, fighting from the outside is not going to make any changes, become a rotten apple within, and spoil the rest. Pharma Co's are scrambling to do the Mergers and Aquisitions, system integrations, streamlining operations, blah, blah, blah, but at the end of the day, they are struggling compared to what they used to.
SO, rotten apple DWR to the rescue!!! WEEEEE! I'll fix them good, make them clean up their act, be more efficient, bring costs down AND make sure they *look* like they are in a win-win situation (riiiiight)
The Trojian Horse Approach.
A lesson learned early in life. DWR
DWR..your blog rocks. I have been reading it for a few months now- you are funny and have such cool insights into so many things. It's interesting what your line of work is considering your current health issues...
I hope the best for you in your test results- and remember, the strongest and best medicine of all is keeping an amazingly positive attitude. The body does amazing things to folks who do so...plus...just think of how annoying that can be to normal people all around you...!
I love your dreams of climbing mountains and taking the world by storm, it helps me remember to be more true to myself everytime I read things you write like this. This internet thing is amazing, letting us discover people all over the world....aint that a kick in itself?
Good luck in everything DWR....!!!
oh by the way, sketchy Jeoffry, thank you for the honourable membership to your playground -- will be adding some "more".
Cheerz, and don't OD, please! not so good, lah?
I wonder what the people that come up with this stuff look like. Do you ever find out?
Do they ever have "This month's slogan was written by J Bloggs" and a picture of said Mr Bloggs smiling with his new slogan?
I can just picture the eerie plastic skin, glassy eyes and perma-smile :|
*shudders*
Dear DWR,
I wanted to send you a quick note about the pharmaceutical company's slogans. One in particular was brought to my attention: The story about LaDonna Lopossa and her fight with cancer. She is my mother. The story written about her is true. She did not seek out this attention. The drug company wrote about her because her response to that new drug was miraculous. We have a deep sense of gratitude to Norvartis for providing the medicine that saved her life for free. Unfortunately, it is money that drives the research for new drugs,so, as far as I am concerned, they can market all they want. Maybe we will see cures for horrible diseases because of it. Lastly, I wish that her name could be removed from a sight that she would surely find offensive. Kelly
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