URGENT! DATING TIPS NEEDED

Ok, this is getting veerrrrrry critical now. The last time I had a "date" was sometime in June last year, and the last time I got laid? Sometime in late August (I think). Everything to do with my lovelife/sexlife (or lackthereof) is so vague in the distant past that I am putting words like "sometime" and "I think" next to months of the year. I am on serious purple alert, for if I don't get laid by March 31st, I would have broken my new year's resolution #7. Or actually, I may not... I think I left an opt-out claus saying 4 times this year, not necessarily once every 3 months... phew. (Oi, stop "phew"ing -- you still need some action downstairs!)

I'm not that unattractive, I get many offers when I go to a bar, or a club, but most of the men that offer me drinks, etc. are, well, creeps. They come up with STUPID chat-up lines (like: hello, can you tell me why you are so beautiful?) that as soon as they open their mouths, or sometimes even before that, it just turns me off. As a man, I'm sure some of you have gone up to a cute, sexy girl at the bar, or on the dancefloor, struck up a conversation, and BOOM -- whatever came out of that Bimbo's mouth just instantly made your dick shrivel like you've just jumped into a cold swimming pool.

I've unfortunately made the mistake of dating within my circle of friends -- not advicable to anyone thinking of it. It's incestuous. Seriously. My friends do it all the time; it scares me. And when you break up your friends don't know who to side with, who to invite and who not to invite to parties, you always bump into your ex -- somehow -- and there is that awkward moment of silence before you exchange your pleasantries. It was really hard to keep my chin up in the begining after our break up (quite tough, actually, coz I was the one dumped), but it's not nice on our friends to see me in tears when they were kind enuf to invite me.

(By the way I have been single now for 2 years. My ex and I broke up on Dec. 3rd 2002.)

Yes, Purple Alert is an understatement!

I need help -- serious help. Here are my dating criteria:

• I don't like creepy, unintelligent men. (They bore me.)
• I don't like fat, lazy feckers. (Paper bags can only cover so much...)
• I don't like people who say things like:"You think too much" (MY LIFE is Thinking, don't tell me how to live my life!!!)
• I don't like jealous, possessive men. (And if you are a mysogenist -- well, I know exactly what I will be shoving up your arse!)
• I don't like men who get insecure about me earining more money than them. (Shit happens, I'll still love you -- so long as you don't start acting like a pimp and become a fat, lazy fecker. If you have realisitc goals and ambitions -- Mo Man Tai, No Worries!)
• I don't like men who "tell" me how to do things. (DWR does it "her" way, K? Otherwise you know what happens? Just go and ask L what happens when you piss me off. This beautiful woman *smiles* as she has evil thoughts... )
• I don't like men who tell me that I drink too much. (Listen, I *know* I drink a lot. I am the Drunken Wench, remember? Hello? Or are you one of those creepy, unintelligent men that I dislike?)
• I don't like men who are lazy in bed. (Oi, get up, we're not finished yet! Y are you sleeping after a blow job -- and I don't want to hear none of this "men feel tired when we cum.... it's a well known fact...." BULLSHIT!!!! I wrote my final year dissertation on male fertility, so I know a thing or two about men feeling "tired" after they cum!! Did you know, boys, that they don't provide a BED in sperm banks, huh? Why? You can biologically stay *awake* after you've had an orgasm. No, you are just too lazy in bed!! Fine, I'll just have to go solo, you lazy arse!)
• I don't like men with poor oral hygine. Or personal hygine for that matter. (I won't go into the gory details, but one of my ex actually *washed* his dick in my SINK!!! Dirty Fecker!)

Ok, for a thirty-something person, I think my list is small, yes? I'm OK with anyone who does not exhibit a single one of those items on my list. There are additional "nice to haves", but I'm not perfect, so I don't expect others to be either. As long as there is Chemistry, all is cool.

So next steps: dating tips.

People who are happily in a relationship, please give me some ideas, coz everyone I know, or have seen my photos (and no, they have not been digitally altered -- dunno how to do that, can't even *move* my blog to a new "whine" cellar) tell me that I'm OK, I'm quite attractive. But why am I single? For 2 *years*? Wassgoinon'? What am I doing wrong? What am I *not* doing? Why is it that I can't even get a DATE, let alone get laid months upon months.... Where do I even go about *finding* men who understand my eccentricities, and my whacky-ness?

I *need* serious help....

(Post script: according to my mother, the reason why I'm single? Too many faults. I am difficult. BITCH!! And whose fault is it that I am *difficult* to marry off, huh? YOURS!!!)