Day 1 (1:30pm): Hooked, Wired, and Cynical
As soon as I returned from lunch I was called by the doctor to his office. Your pulse is 111bpm resting. Last year it was 69bpm; do you have any heart conditions that you have been diagnosed with in the past year? (Shit! 111bpm! Is that what a hang-over does to my heart!)
Umm... not that I know, I'm generally active. Perhaps it's the beta agonists for my asthma -- remember? I wrote it down in my questionnaire this morning.
Oh, yes, I see. Then you can go and get your next ECG -- while we put stress on your heart.
(What a quack! He doesn't question anything? Doesn't he listen to my heart beat or do the ECG again? What if I DO have a heart condition and end up with an attack -- I don't want my obituary to read: Drunken Wench died on Dec. 6th riding an exercise bike hooked up to a machine.)
The nurse took me to a room with an exercise bike that stood next to a large, "medical" looking device with wires, beeps, alert buttons -- the works. I'm so glad that I am in a very good clinic with all the latest equipment that go "beep" and flash when I am about to get on my bike. Why is it that hospitals have to have "flash" equipment? Surely they can invest in a smaller more efficient device for a test such as an ECG while I cycle. I had in total 12 electrodes attached to me and a "box" (assume this is some form of converter) attached to my waist.
It took me 10 mins to hit my max heart rate of 151bpm. The nurse was surprised: My. Your heart rate is very stable. You really are fit! (no shit! I climb mountains, run 1/2 marathons, and do yoga. I *TOLD* you, I'm only hung over!)
Once the ECG was over it was time for my fitness test: abdominal strength, grip, balance, flexibility, and reaction time.
Nothing too strenuous. Nothing too challenging.
When I returned to my waiting room after my fitness test I saw a young woman, who looked as if she was about to pass out, being wheeled into a "special" room -- the doors are always closed to these waiting rooms. She just got wheeled from the direction of the room where I took the wired exercise bike test....
Hang on... Is this one of those clinics like the one in "One Flew Over the cuckoo's Nest" where you check your self in voluntarily, but they keep you indefinitely?
SHIT!
Oh well, I'm looked after here. I have my pen and paper where I write the drafts for my posts, my mobile, the happy 7-UPs, my PC with a built in wireless Lan, if not I'm sure I can dial up somewhere in this building. I won't be *that* bored... (wow, the 7 UP really *does* do wonders -- I am somatised!)
I wonder what happened to that woman....
The afternoon went as smoothly as the morning: test, rest, test, rest. And before I knew it my watch said that it was 4pm; it was time for my briefing about tomorrow.
Tomorrow, DWR, you will be taking an X-ray of your stomach so please do not eat any solid food after 8pm.
WHAAAAAT!!! 8PM?!
That means I can't sneak out of my deluxe hotel room to go to my yoga class? I'm not supposed to eat at least 3hrs before my practice and my 2hr class begins at 7pm... which means I have to eat NOW, damn it! I opted for this medical so that I have TIME to go to my class during the weekday. Plus I wanted to talk to Dan about Mesopotamia, Babylon, and the Hanging Gardens of Ur to research the history of the Middle east so that I can write about it...
Fine. I shall retire to my room, go on line, chat to my friends who are still at work but can't be bothered to do anything constructive... hang on! If I remember correctly the hotel room has a "mini bar" and ROOM SERVICE.
And there you have it, dear readers. End of Day 1: probed, extracted, doped, pampered, and finally a chance to raid the mini bar, care of my company's Tohmatsu Kempo health plan.
(Oh and the ice machine is right next door to my suite! How considerate of them, how considerate...)
(Day 2 to be continued...)
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5 comments:
omg...I love you. Your hilarious (and I have linked to you from my blog ;)...). My favorite post was "Dress Code"! I pulled the same shit on my boss back in the day. HR told me they decided that nose piercing were inappropriate for the office (after I've had it for 2 years? huh?). Since I refused to take it out, I was advised that it would be okay to wear a bandaid over it. SO, I wore a HUGE holographic bandaid that not only covered my nose ring, but my entire nose and half of my cheek. Surprisingly, a week later HR revised the dress code to include discrete facial jewelry. Hmmm. Wonder why? ;)
thank you summer; I have also taken the liberty to add you to "my favourite people"'s list. you are indeed too funny.
plus I also linked the voyeur and her crazy neighbour, Kay. How and where did you find that wench??
Isn't the "Crazy Neighbor" blog hilarious? I stumbled upon it on www.SanDiegoBloggers.com. So, I can rest easy knowing that somewhere in this great city of mine, is good ol' Kay snorting up some meth...
you know what? I read somewhere that only 15% of the US population (if you can call Kay that) has a passport....
I sure *hope* she doesn't have one... and I'm glad that someone is keeping a "good" eye on that "care-in-the-community" nut case!!
Is it uncommon in the world not to have a passport. I do not even know how I would go about getting one. I think the crazys at the post office handel that but I am not sure. I am afarid of Canada, and Mexico just does not see to be for me. Maybe I will need one some day, any body know exactly where to go... Is it the post Office?
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