Letters From Africa

My father is from Tanzania, in east africa. He worked for the Tanzanian embassy in Tokyo so my brother and I grew up encountering many african diplomats who were very interesting "businessmen" and "represenatives" of their country (literally and figuratively). Many had import/export businesses going on the side even tho they were civil servants.... but there again, there is not much civility on that continent, neither then, nor today! Oh, and they definately were not "servants", for they all had Filipino maids...

Many of my father's friends, and colleagues, would ship containers of second hand cars, tires, bicycles, LARGE electronics (TVs, video recorders, stereos) -- anything that would fit into a container that could be sold back home for a huge profit. (Why is it that african people like HUGE electronics, like camcorders the size of those carried by TV crews covering the news in war zones?? And why do the TV crew carry such large equipment in dangerous places... hmm) . I grew up watching these african diplomats smuggle precious stones (I remember an incident where a Ghanan diplomat was arrested for smuggling diamonds to Japan in his attachee. Interpol had been after him for years... I wish I could find info on it to link - if anyone can find it, please let me know), transfer Aid money to their Swiss bank accounts, park their cars in the middle of pedestrian crossings, and smugly smile behind the walls of the embassy saying. You can't get me -- hehe -- I have "Diplomatic Immunity!".

In short: I grew up seeing too many corrupt Africans. (my dad used to grumble about them too, for he, like me, was more concerned about politics in Africa-- although he was more "idealistic" than me. Bless him; I think that if I was in his position I too would have taken full advantage of the "fringe benefits".)

So I always piss myself with LAUGHTER when I get stupid emails like this sent to my work e-mail (I have copied the email -- poor syntax and all -- as it was sent to me. Have a read! Too funny!):

Dear Mr. *DWR*, (umm... I'm a *woman*?!)

MY NAME IS DR.MRS KEMA CHIKWE. I AM THE MANAGER CREDIT AND ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT OF NORTH-ATLANTIC SECURITIES COMPANY LTD. ABUJA - NIGERIAN REPUBLIC. I WRITE YOU IN RESPECT OF A FOREIGN CUSTOMER WITH A/C NUMBER 14-255-2004/UTB/T. WHO AMONG OTHERS ON BOARD HAD A PLANE CRASH IN USA IN 1999.

(shit, this Dr./Mrs. doesn't know how to take the caps lock off! And when did this plane crash happen? I have never heard of a crash in 1999 over US soil?? )

ALL ON BOARD PERISH AND DIED IN THE PLAN CRASH. SINCE THE DEMISE OF THIS OUR CUSTOMER MR LEVY SHIMONY A LEBANESE IMPORT AND EXPORT TYCOON HERE IN ABUJA.

(Wow! A tycoon! I wonder how he built his empire in a corrupt African country? Can't possibly be legit.)

I HAVE KEPT A CLOSE MONITORING OF THE DEPOSIT RECORDS AND ACCOUNTS SINCE THEN NO BODY HAS COME TO CLAIM THE MONEY IN THIS A/C. AS NEXT OF KIN TO THE LATE MR LEVY SHIMONY HAS ONLY $14.5MILLION IN HIS A/C AND THE A/C IS CODED, IT IS ONLY AN INSIDER THAT COULD PRODUCE THE CODE OR PASSWORD OF THE DEPOSIT PARTICULARS AS IT STANDS NOW THERE IS NOBODY IN THAT POSITION TO PRODUCE THE NEEDED INFORMATION OTHER THAN MY VERY SELF CONSIDERING MY POSITION IN THE COMPANY .

(ok, let me re-read this piece. I *do* wish you take your caps lock off! Basically you are telling me that there is $14.5 million sitting in your bank that you want to steal. Is this right? Then why are you emailing me??? Oh, I'm supposed to read on? ok.)

BASED ON THE REASONS THAT NOBODY HAS COME FOR THE CLAIMS OF THE DEPOSIT AS NEXT OF KIN, I SEEK FOR YOUR CO OPERATION TO USE YOUR NAME AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO THE DESEASED TO SEND THIS FUNDS OUT TO A FOREIGN OFFSHORE BANK A/C FOR MUTUAL SHARING BETWEEN ME AND YOU ONLY, AS I AM THE ONLY ONE WITH THE INFORMATION BECAUSE I HAVE REMOVED THE DEPOSIT FILE FROM THE SAFE .

(Deseased? Hang on, I thought he died in a plane crash, not an illness? DR/MRS KEMA CHIKWE, try investing in an email software that does automatic spell checks for you. I think you mean deCeased? I'm a shit speller too, but I *always* put a spell check on my business emails.)

BY THIS DOING, WHAT IS REQUIRED OF YOU IS TO SEND AN APPLICATION SEEKING CLAIMS OF THE DEPOSIT AS NEXT OF KIN TO THE LATE MR SHIMONY. I WILL SEND YOU SPECIMEN OF APPLICATION AS SOON AS YOU CONFIRM YOUR READINESS TO ASSIST ME MOVE THE FUNDS OUT OF THE VAULT OF OUR BANK.

(No. I don't want any of your "specimens" in my post, thank you. Customs are very sensitive to "specimens" that come from Africa, and I don't want to be infected by whatever you are going to Fedex me.)

NOTE: THE BANKING RULES AND REGULATIONS IN THIS COUNTRY DOES NOT ALLOW SUCH DEPOSIT TO STAY MORE THAN THREE YEARS AS AN EXPERTRIATES A/C . IF THE DEPOSIT STAYS MORE THAN TWO YEARS THE FUNDS WILL BE SENT TO THE GOVERNMENT A/C AS UNCLAIMED DEPOSIT . IN VIEW OF THIS DEVELOPMENT, I BEG FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE AND FULL CO-OPERATION TO COME AND LAY CLAIMED TO THIS DEPOSIT AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO MR LEVY SHIMONY THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVE IN THIS BUSINESS AS YOU WILL BE EQUIPED WITH ALL VITAL INFORMATION OF THE DEPOSIT AND THE A/C.

(Fuck me! This DR/Mrs is really funny! "Lay Claimed"? "Equiped with all vital information"? DR/MRS KEMA CHIKWE, I didn't know that this bank account was a living entity! I *definitely* do not want any "specimens" from you. If interpol intercepts that parcel, I will be on their records as a terrorist trafficking biological weaponry!!! Oh, by the way if your client died in 1999, the 2-3 year period has already passed according to your banking laws, coz as far as I remember, we are in 2004 which is now *5 YEARS* since your client was *deseased*. Oh, BTW, I think you should look at your banking laws more carefully: is it 2 years or 3 years before your goverment takes the money away? I would, if I were you.)

YOUR COUNTRY OF ORIGIN DOES NOT MATTER, WHAT MATTERS IS YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN HAVING ALL NECCESSARY INFORMATION TO BACK UP YOUR CLAIMS . NOTE THAT ALL MODALITIES FOR A HITCH FREE TRANSACTIONHAS BEEN PERFECTED FROM MY SIDE .

(I'm sure you have, DR/MRS KEMA CHIKWE... What if I was Nigerian, just like yourself. Does that count?? Why are you spamming me!!)

I WILL SUPPLY YOU WITH ALL THE A/C PARTICULARS . I WILL NEED YOUR FULL NAME AND ADDRESS COMPANY OR RESIDENTIAL SO THAT I CAN COMPUTERISE THEM TO TALLY WITH NEXT OF KIN COLLUM IN THE CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT. FINALLY I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE REQUEST FOR A FOREIGNER AS THE NEXT OF KIN IS OCCATIONED BY THE FACT THAT THE CUSTOMER WAS A FOREIGNER AND FOR THAT ONLY REASON, A LOCAL CANNOT REPRESENT AS NEXT OF KIN. I HAVE AGREED TO SHARE THIS MONEY WITH YOU IN THE MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING OF 30%/60% YOU KEEP 30 WHILE I KEEP 60, AND 10% FOR ANY EXPENSES ON BOTH SIDE , LIKE YOUR AIR TICKET AND HOTEL BILL. HOW ABOUT THAT ? YOU HAVE MERITED THIS PERCENTAGE BECAUSE YOU WILL PROVIDE THE A/C WHERE WE SHALL FINALLY TRANSFER THE FUNDS INTO ON A SUCCESSFUL CLAIMING OF THE DEPOSIT.

(Hang on, DR/MRS KEMA CHIKWE, what do you mean "I have agreed to share this money with you"? *I* haven't agreed to anything? What are you on?? Methamphetamines??? And why is it that you are taking 60%? Huh? You are making a business proposal, albeit a very dubious one, and you are telling me that I get to keep only 30%? You're the desperate one, not me, coz you're the one that can't steal the money from your bank by yourself? Right? I have the upper hand on you -- I have a foreign bank account, I am a foreign national, I have an address to send your "specimens", and I hold the key -- no I AM THE KEY to your $14.5million!! I want 75%. You get 15%, the rest are my expenses; you live in a country where the cost of living is much cheaper. You'll have more than enough. Otherwise no deal; you can give up that dream of living off the interest, concede, and give it to your corrupt government. Doesn't matter who gets the $14.5mill, which everway it's Mr. LEVY SHIMONY's hard earned money going to another currupt official!

MY 60% WILL REMAIN IN THE A/C PENDING MY ARRIVAL IN YOUR COUNTRY FOR DISBURSEMENT AND SUBSEQUENT INVESTMENTS . LASTLY FOR THE IMMEDIATE TAKE OFF OF THIS TRANSACTION YOU HAVE TO CONFIRM YOUR WILLINGNESS AND READINESS TO ASSIST ME RETRIVE THIS DEPOSIT, THEN I WILL SEND TO YOU AN APPLICATION TEXT AND OTHER VITAL INFORMATION YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE DEPOSIT . I ASSURE YOU OF 100% RISK FREE TRANSACTION .
TRUSTING TO HEAR FROM YOU .

GOD BLESS!

YOU CAN ALSO RELY THROUGH MY ATTORNEY AT :
info@nwaiwuchambers.zzn.com, nwaiwu_chambers@yahoo.com

YOURS RESPECTFULLY ,
DR, MRS KEMA CHIKWE
_________________________________________________________
http://www.latinmail.com/. Gratuito, latino y en espal.


(His attourny has a Yahoo Account! Wow! Maybe I can IM him!!.... Oh dear, DR/MRS KEMA CHIKWE is not only illiterate, cannot work the caps lock on the PC, is trying to steal money from the bank, is probably planning to steal mine from my account, get my address and "computerise" it, but is one of those "religous" types? DR/MRS KEMA CHIKWE, I suggest you go straight to your church this wednesday, go into your confession box, and tell the priest the sins that you committed this week: 1) I had serious thoughts of stealing money from a dead person 2) I sent out spam to a complete stranger 3) I lied. I lied -- big time. No one is actually dead, I just wanted access to a foreign account to launder that money I got from the surplus that we had from the Japanese Overseas Development Program thing. I know we said we were going to build 10 wells in the remote regions of Ogoni land... Well we did. Kind of... we built one well, then sold it to the local chief so now it's privately owned, and people have to "pay" for the water. The chief was happy to purchase it, because he has no other competition. He has the monopoly to water in Ogoni land....)

God bless indeed.... Riiiiiggghhhhht!

[Postscript: This post is dedicated to a fellow African that I have utmost respect for: Ken Sarowiwa who was executed in 1995. I remember feeling really sad that day, for he writes as he speaks -- from his heart. He fought for what he believed in. He wasn't going to line his pocket like Gen. Abacha and the likes of DR/MRS KEMA CHIKWE with blood money from the Fat Cats, like Shell, that ruin his people's land. I, too, am a proponent of cleaning up our environment, but unlike Ken, I do not have the courage to risk my own life to challenge an oppressive government for what I believe in.... I sometimes wish I did. I honestly do.... So today, I will ask all of you to read about Ken's life thru the link that I added. Research the plight of the Ogoni people, and I would like you to realise that not every African person is corrupt. There are good guyz like him. I want the world to see that Africa (altho has many problems) can be saved.

There is political scientist (who I cannot remember the name of) who said something like this (sorry for the poor research! :( please help me to find the quote and also the name of the political scientist):

Political agendas and finally the law of the land only come from strong private agendas.... Private agendas come from individual agendas that are shared by the masses who share the same view. Individual agendas can change the way a country is run.

*yes, an individual can change things, just like Ken did*

Africa is my second home that I have never been to. Just as I want Japan to be a proud member of the planet, I also want to be proud of Africa, for it is part of my roots. And thank's, Dad, for fighting for independence with President Nyerere in the 60's, and showing me your vision of Africa through your stories and photos. May you rest in peace.

Ken, may your soul also rest in peace, Bwana. We have not forgotten you. At least I haven't. ]