All I wanted was your love, your acceptance...A Tale of A Bulimic

(Nota Bene: I write this not to encourage those who are thinking about refining their eating disorders. I am telling you the stories of many people who have had it rough, and let's face it, Christmas -- the season of gluttony -- is the hardest for those who want to hide their eating disorders from their families, friends, lovers.... it's just plain hard; I'm not going to change your ways, for change comes only from within. It comes only from your own free will.... Bulimia is a painful, lonely disease, and I do not want to glamourise it. Bulimia only brings sadness to those who suffer, and to those that love the patients.)

I'm fat. I know it. I'm fat. I am 168cm (5ft 7) tall, and weigh 65kgs (143pounds). I don't even want to tell my boyfriend, Sam, what my clothes size is. He has repeatedly told me how much he loves my "round" belly, stroking it with a big grin on his face... "I guess this is what you'd look like when you are pregnant, huh?" (thanks, Sam. why don't you just twist that blade in my heart while you are at it!) I know he is only joking, but I have put on nearly 5 kgs (11 pounds) since we first met. I hate it. I can't stand it, and yet he says that he loves me regardless of my size.

Sam has recently been a bit distant towards me. He spends more time with his "mates" than with me. I used to love making love to him in front of his fire; I used to love the way he used to look at my naked body. Now we make love in the dark. I cannot see his face, and I guess he can't see my "pot belly", maybe he doesn't want to look at it...

The other day I tried to clear out my wardrobe of all the clothes that I could no longer fit into. My favourite Max & Co. dress, my cool DKNY jeans, my expensive suits...., but I couldn't. I can't let my disfigured body get in my way between me and Sam. I need to diet, to get back to the shape that I was when Sam first met me. I need to lose weight, PRONTO!

I was always an active person; I ran, I played tennis, I played lacrosse, but my recent knee injury took me away from excersise, but my food consumption remained the same. In short, I was eating more calories than what I burnt. And this is when the idea came to me: eat less.Unfortunately I LOVE food. I could not stop eating, but my desire to please Sam, to win back his love was much stronger. I want Sam to love me; I want everything to be the way it used to be... like those days in November, when we fell in love. All those wonderful days that I remember, back when we were in love...

Sam, please love me the way you used to...

This was the begining of a vicious circle. I knew what I was going to get into, and if it took that much, then let it be...

After every meal, I would stick my fingers down my throat to puke it all up. I soon realised that certian foods, like bread, didn't come out too well. You need to drink lots of water with bread. Also it's easier to puke the food up within 20 mins after your meal. Otherwise you don't get everything out; the root of my sadness has already moved to my ileum.

Puking eventually became euphoric for me.

I would weigh myself every day, and watch my weight bounce up and down. My puking was not too effective. A 500g gain in weight would depress me to no avail -- shit I need to come up with a better action plan...

Laxatives. (Sam, anything for you...)

I went to the pharmacists to buy laxs. I read about the different laxatives available: ones that make your bowels active, ones that add bulk to your motions, and ones that would make your stools softer, and the combo type with multiple actions, plus many more.

I chose the combo type; I didn't care as long as the weight was being removed from my body. Just before I went to bed, I took nearly 20 pills and waited for the morning.... but morning came with a heavy price. I spent nearly 4 hours in pain, on the toilet, removing everything and anything that resided in my bowels.

That day, I lost 2kgs -- a weight I have been struggling to remove for the past 3 weeks. (See, I knew I could do it, Sam. No more pot bellies. I'm going to be slim again!)

Laxatives and purging were my answers!! I could eat cream cakes, eat whenever I was hungry, AND lose weight! I used to keep a strict rule until then about letting pass no more than 200kcal of food per day, but once I realised that only 4 hours on the toilet could fix it all! Well, purge'n'lax. That was it. Nothing was too painful for the love of Sam.

My obsessive patterns of eating, puking, and laxatives worked for a while, until I realised that I was always hungry. Constantly hungry, but I knew that I can fix all the damage done by eating. Puke'n'Lax. Hunger usually struck late at night. I wanted to eat sugary foods: cakes, cookies, caramel popcorn (well, popcorn is calorie free, right?). I would often consume more than 1800kcals at a time with lot & lots of water. Drink a lot of water, and flush all down the toilet, one way or another. Time and time again, for I was protected by the "purge'n'lax".

(Sam, I'm nearly there, darling. Love me as you used. Make love to me, in front of the fire, where you can see my body, and I can see your face, as we used to...)

When you live a life of secrecy, isolation, and distance from friends, family, and loved ones, they just do not understand you anymore. By the time I had got my weight down to 57kgs, Sam left me (for a rounder, happier girl!). Must admit everyone said I looked "great" and "healthy" , which was flattering -- I had more offers from men than ever in my life! (especially when I switched to contacts) Yes, I looked nice, but at what price? I had a secret identity, a life where I would have to excuse myself after every meal, a life where I would sneak off to the toilets for hours at a time, a secret life of buying large amounts of laxatives from different pharmacists, just in case they suspect that I was abusing them, for I was Bulimic. And I could not reveal to others my condition.

I always had a secret with those who opened their heart to me. It sometimes gets lonely that way...

(Post Script: Unlike Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa is very difficult to diagnose, because the patients are average to slightly built when you look at them. They don't look like walking skeletons, and they are fantastic at hiding their illness. Let's face it, you see them eat, right? You never stay up with them while they abuse laxatives, or puke up, right? I have been suffering from Bulimia Nervosa since I was 17. I still have some strange eating habits: I psycologically cannot eat carbohydrates at night. I eat only proteins and veggies at night. Oh, and no oil after 5pm. But I can eat. I can eat everything. I don't puke up, and I excersise regularly to keep my weight constant. I am 161cm (5ft4), and I weigh 46kg(101pounds), my body fat is at 19%. As you can read from my health check results I am a mirror of health?! But my message to all of you, who for one reason or another entered the dark gates of eating disorders.... well, there is a way out. Even if it's a small one. I know at least 4 ex-anorexics who are doing perfectly well with their own families. The way out is something that you will have to find. It doesn't have to be a perfect way out. Sod that! It doesn't happen that way. I still get pissed off when I put on 500g. But the thing is that even if it took me nearly 14 years to make one step: keep down my food. No Lax, No puking. It can be done. I know I have a long way to go, but so what. Fuck that! There is no quick way about changing things. 14 years is a long time... but I made it, right? Fuck, it could have taken me 40, but the whole point is that I took a step....

"I have a callus on my right hand just under the middle finger that I developed due to my excessive puking. Today it reminds me of the 14 years that I had to go thru. If you are one of me, don't let that callus grow, for it looks like shit on a smooth, beautiful hand... " -- DWR

I have a good friend, Jay, (he knows about my eating habits) who always says to me, DWR, if only you were 50pounds heavier, I'd propose to you immediately!! Thanks Jay, you give hope to so many of us who are insecure about our figures.)