Memories

I am always fascinated by the concept of human memory, both conscious and subconsious. I am blessed/cursed with a good memory for totally irrelevant detail to most. The simple reason that I remember things is that I associate either a thought or an emotion to something that "sicks" to my mind. For instance there is a brand of shampoo that I cannot bear to use simply because it is associated with a very painful breakup with one of my first "loves". I will never forget the time I was in tears, after my breakup, washing my hair with a specific brand of shampoo thinking "why? why did he break up with me? what did I do wrong?". Nearly 17 years on, I cannot even look at that bottle of shampoo (I'll give you a hint, it's distributed by P&G)

I also conversly have good memories that I come back to all the time: music. Even after I break up with a man, or is in love with a bloke I will listen to the same song frequently to resurrect the good memories of holding hands in the park, kissing in the cinema just before the film starts, singing to a tune when we are both doing the washing up. Yes there may be some negative memories that will return, just like the shampoo, but there are times when I listen to old CDs, sing along to it, and remember his tender touch.

Right now I am listening to a song that I have a memory for someone I have not met. The lyrics remind me of the situation that we are in right now, for we are apart. It is by a group called Blue Six, and it has already made memories that have not been actualised simply because we live on different continents, in different timezones:

Five O'clock I don't know what to do, It's much too late to
call and it's soon to go and see you. If I arrived with a suitcase at your door, would you throw your arms around me, would we make love on the floor

Different lives, we sleep in different beds, we sleep in differnt
countries while your voice plays in my head, If I tried to be smarter than before, would you tell me that you missed me, would you love me even more

It feels right, won't you remember me, It's alright, just
think of me and you're always close to home. Little lies. And feelings of regret from wounds that never heal, from memories I'd fled. Windy night and touble at the door, hiding in the quiet I remember where you are.

It feels right, won't you remember me on
cold nights, just think of me and you are always close to home

Think of me

I am not usually an emotional person, nor do I give my heart away to too many people. I have more FBs-- men who I sleep with on a regular basis (only one at a time tho') -- but do not give my heart out to FBs, for it is fear of losing my control of my emotions that makes me chose these types of relationships with men.

But this time it seems different. There is no pressure on my half coz if all goes wrong I can just hop on the next flight to wherever and visit friends, go trekking, go diving; mentally there is no obligation to stay with this one man that I chose to stay with for a month...

But these lyrics haunt me everyday and the more I think about it I know I will regret it if I put in a half arse effort and do not put my heart on the line. My heart has been broken many times, once more is not going to kill me, but what will kill me is my regret for not going for it, for he has opened his heart to me. This is something that I value more than all the Sonnets in the world. I have lead a life of celibracy and self-induced isolation for more than 2 years in the fear that I will lose me, my integrety, and my persona. But can one live on their own with their cats/dogs for the rest of their lives? Can I go without creating more memories, either good or bad, till the day that I die?

Do I want my last breath on this planet to be filled with regrets of the memories that I have not made? Good or bad? Will I be able to leave my existance knowing that I could have done something about it and changed the course of my life?

I want to make mistakes -- all the mistakes that I can. I want to fall in love with the wrong person, I want to escape on the most mind altering drugs possible, I want to have a holiday home where I can lounge around and not think about anything, I want to have sex with a woman just to see what it is like to fall in love with a woman, I want to go bunjee jumping knowing that there is a risk of dying in the process, I want to travel the silk road on a stubborn donkey that won't listen to my directions, I want to visit the MachuPichu and get altitutde sickness, I want to climb Everest and clear up all the rubbish that people left up there, I want to go to Mysore to be taught Yoga by Patabi Joyce, I want to go diving in the great barrier reef, I want to go and see the Komodo Dragons, I want to sail across the globe on a little raft with only a fishing line and dried lemon, I want to see the great wall of china from space, but most of all I want to wake up next to Nick on a sunday morning to stroke his hair and say, "Good morning, hun, would you like some coffee" only to turn around and make love to him...

I want to make these happy memories, not the smelly shampoo that I will never touch.

How many shampoos, like me, do you have no courage to touch?