The Unraveling … (part 1)

 Open marriage. This is what initiated the end of a fifteen year contract with the father of my son. I remember that night clearly, as we were both in bed at the same time. It was unusual to be in bed at the same time, for the past decade or so we went to bed at different times. I went to bed by 9 o’clock. He came around midnight. 

I approached my soon to be ex-husband (S2BX) while he sat propped up on three pillows (one of which belonged to my side of the bed that he had a habit of stealing) playing “Smashing Four” on his iPad mini. 

One of four iPads in a home of three people. 

I asked if he thought our marriage would benefit from opening it up to other romantic partners especially because I had not been able to satisfy him sexually. We had a classic “sexless marriage” following the long, difficult conception process and early birth of our only son. It took over a year of trying to have a lot of sex during my ovulation week, and not much in between due to my lack of enthusiasm to continue the wifely duties. Sex, when it becomes a chore just like vacuuming or folding laundry, is something you put off until the last minute or outsource. At least for this wench who hates folding laundry these two are the best options. 

“Sure. If it pleases you. But I’m fine not getting a girlfriend, because I’m busy with work and raising L (our 12 year old son)”. He said, not looking up from his screen. 

I wasn’t surprised with his response, because for the best part of 7 years since our son started elementary school he has been indifferent about my various requests for independence. Holidays with my female friends, solo diving trips, spending half my week at our holiday home… the list goes on. 

“Are you sure you’re fine about opening up our marriage?” I asked repeatedly, because knowing how my S2BX is - possessive - I knew that operating under an open marriage may not be as easy as his “sure, whatever”s. 

He looked up briefly from his Smashing Four and said, “Sure, why not. If you think you can find someone who will be interested in you”, whilst smirking, as if to say:”if you can find somebody who is willing to be intimate with your fat, ugly body.”

He’s so offensive. Even more so after I put on 30lb during COVID. Even without the weight gain he often told me that no one else would want to be with a recovering alcoholic like me. 

Emotional abuse 101.

I once took it, but these days I’m over it. I’ve gone through enough therapy to let it bring my spirits down.

“Yes, I want an open marriage. I hope you’re fine with me getting a boyfriend.”

Perfect. I can decouple from a loveless marriage and have my sexual needs met by someone who will respect me and love me the way I deserve to be loved.