Reason, Season, or Lifetime

 Back in March 2005 I travelled to the other side of the planet from Tokyo on a 15hr journey to meet a man who met through this blog. He also owned a blog, and we would leave each other comments. That’s how it started. We somehow fell in love, but being in a long distance relationship during the MSN Messenger era was a bit too hard for me. We broke up, went our separate ways, and each of us got married and lived happily ever after. 

We stayed in touch, however, and sent each other Christmas greetings from time to time. Wondering how life was treating each other. We follow each other on social media, and hit “like” on milestone photos of children and pets.

We grow old in our respective countries, on the other side of the world, and when one of us passes, the other one gets wind of the conclusion through Facebook…  

In a parallel universe.

In this universe, however, the ending is slightly different, and it is still being written as you read this. 

When I think about my story, I remember a poem I read when I was still at school: Reason, Season, or Lifetime. Because I’m still trying to work out why this man is still in my life.

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My soon-to-be-ex husband thought I would never find anyone that would want to be with me when he agreed to opening up the marriage. He thought I would live in the countryside by myself forever, while he lives it up in the city house that I paid for. With my son. And while he rested on his laurels, thinking he need not make any effort to fix the disaster that became my 15year marriage, I reconnected with the man I flew 15hrs to visit 19 years ago. 

It turned out that as I entered an open marriage his divorce was finalised. Two lovers, separated in time and space, somehow were in a position where the universe gave us another chance. This time in the era of smartphones and wifi connection. This time with maturity and hindsight to guide us towards a healthier relationship. 

I flew again to the other side of the planet to see him after corresponding almost daily and developing an emotional bond for over 6 months. Distance forces us to take things slowly, and as a result, we make the most out of the time we spend together. We’re fond of each other, we respect each other, we listen to each other, and we’re there for each other. 

Is he here for a Lifetime? I don’t know. I hope so, but I’m still trying to find out. 

My soon to be ex husband? I wish for it to be a Reason. And his season to end soon  

Departmental Curse

The department I work for, I thought, had an unusually high divorce rate when I joined 7 years ago. Maybe it was because in my previous workplace, most of the people were long term singletons. Or these days, I think they are called “incels”. 

Unlike my consulting days, the team I work with has a good work-life balance. It’s just that there is some travel involved; but again, not to the level of my consulting days. I would say less than 20% travel.

At least 10% of the team (that I know) came back from their brief business trip to a “Dear John” letter from their spouse and an empty house. In some cases so empty there were no furnishings left in the house. 

How does one clear out a three bedroom house, with two kids and two cats, during a 5 day business trip? That’s an achievement worth mentioning on one’s LinkedIn profile.

As I go through my legal separation (aka divorce) from my son’s father, I am slowly coming to accept that I truly belong to this team of wonderful colleagues who are all divorced. It’s almost as if our department is cursed and being a divorcee is how we are initiated into this team of internal auditors.

Yes. I am an internal auditor. 

The Unraveling… (part 2)

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. And one man’s hag is another man’s whore. 

“I’m kicking you out. You need to take all your stuff out of this house by the end of this month and move permanently to the holiday home with your dog. I don’t want you here if you’re going to be with another man.” was what I received on iMessage. Fifteen years’ of marriage and he still doesn’t have the decency or the courage to look me in the eye and say these things. 

What followed next was a list of “conditions for separation”. 30+ things he was dictating, including “alimony” for something he casually agreed to: an open marriage. None of the things he listed out included anything to do with custody arrangements for our son. Just assets, financials, and administration. 

What was I smoking fifteen years ago when I said, “I do.”?

Now I’m completely sober. Healthy. And I knew that I needed to finish what I started, which is to legally separate myself from my earlier mistake. No amount of couples therapy or reconciliation date nights was going to fix this marriage when one of us saw no problems with it. Perfectly happy was his marriage before I wrecked it with a third party. 

That’s not my reality; not my experience.

I drafted and rewrote the conditions for separation into offer of divorce conditions. For some reason he thought that a counter offer of couples counseling would bring me back. 

No. I’ve asked you twice too many times in 15 years. You never came to therapy; you never wanted to work it out with me. Too late. I don’t bluff like you… I moved on years ago since my last request to work on our relationship. I haven’t spent a weekend doing activities with you since. I don’t eat with you. I don’t holiday with you. I spend half my week in a different house from you. I just share some of our living space and pay the mortgage. 

I have my own life, and so do you.

And now, it’s time for me to interview divorce lawyers. Something I should have done years ago.