Crying...

I cried twice today, once on the outside, and once on the inside.

First I cried on the outside on my train journey, tears streaming down my face, to my shrink's office to pick up my medication. My DWF, A, recently started to date a woman whom he introduced at a classic DWF dinner. While A left the table to go to the gents, the woman that he brought to meet us started to invite Y and me to "international dating" and "speed dating" parties, for not moments ago Y and I were talking about how difficult it is to meet single men, but despite this, we were quite happy hanging out as DWFs, meeting at least once a week in a pubs/restaurants getting drunk and bitching about our work. These "international/speed dating" events are frequented by Caucasian men who live in Japan, so Y and I started to suspect something strange about her. Why would a woman dating an Asian man invite us to join her in one of these singleton parties?

Y and I confided with A and told him to be careful, because she may be using him to introduce her to a white guy...

It turned out that the only reason why this woman suggested that we go to these dating parties was because she felt "sorry" for us, because we couldn't even get a date. To her we were two women in their 30s with a career, but without that which all strive to achieve in life.

Happiness.

And to her, happiness is to have a line of men waiting to date you, or to be married to a successful man, and have children, neither of which we have. How could we? We work, we get together as DWFs, we go to the gym, we take "classes", we call each other up, we go shopping, but the thing is that we have fun with what resources we have available to us. How can we plan weddings, or romantic holidays, or dates, or anything when we don't have anyone to do these things with? That's why we make the most of what we have -- each other. There should be nothing wrong with that, but it made me both sad and angry to think that a stranger saw us as "dysfunctional" simply because we don't have dates...

Why do people judge us for who we are? Do they think that we chose to be dateless? We are only trying to find our small pocket of happiness with what we have now. That's all...

Second I cried on the inside as I wrote an email to Nick to tell him that I think we should go our separate ways. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain, and with no concrete plans for even the near future, it is difficult to maintain the closeness that we once shared. He has his finals and also started his business, which makes it even more painful for me to have to end things with him during this difficult time. But it had to be done -- sooner, rather than later.

As I pressed the send button on the email, my colleague walked past my cubicle. We joked around, laughed at my drinking habits, told me that I am a good sport because I can take jokes from the boys. I was smiling, laughing even, but really I was crying on the inside. Just like a court jester, I mask my face and make people laugh, I hide my true feelings, my sadness. But one thing a jester cannot hide -- or should I say I leave for us to see -- is the small teardrop on his left cheek, a symbol of his inner, true sadness.