Slow Life - Post Covid

 

I was living 80mins drive from central Tokyo in a small town (village?) that has a population of just under 7000. 

This was supposed to be our holiday home, but today this is where I call my sanctuary. I divide my time between my flat in Tokyo and my sanctuary; I also own a house that I do not live in and I apparently have no right to live in while it is my soon to be ex-husband’s residence for now. Until the divorce is final. 

Rather than worry about assets, I have filed for an emergency ruling on legal guardianship of our 13 year old son before litigating for the divorce itself. This is to protect my son from the toxic behaviours of his father. The family courts open usually from Jan 4, but this year it will be from the 6th. 

Until then I’m enjoying the slow-life. Life before my soon to be ex husband goes ballistic over the filing and accuses me of going to war. Life before I receive a barrage of passive aggressive texts and emails at all hours of the day; so excessive to the point I have to block him again. Life before he does something crazy and irreparable in terms of divorce outcomes. 

He’s one of those people who has to be right, to win every argument at any cost. Wants to die on every hill… I feel for his divorce lawyer, but alas, she took him on as a client. 

Today I chose to live quietly and peacefully in my sanctuary. My slow life in my beautiful sanctuary. 

My love, N, is also my spiritual and emotional sanctuary. 

Travel Tips for Long Distance Commuting

This is something I wrote back in September 2024. I have since traveled once more to the US, and plan many more in 2025. Happy New Year. 

I “commute” between East Asia and the East Coast of the United States. 

In true former alcoholic/addict fashion I take on big challenges just because it’s another way to feel alive while deep down believing that fate chose this road less traveled for me. Simply put, I’m addicted to my own drama. 

This is my fourth trip to the east coast of USA from east Asia this year. My final destination is a 14 to 16 hour journey. I even arrive before I left thanks to the international dateline being crossed. 

Before my complicated relationship with my ex boyfriend, who is my current “Affair Partner”, I travelled overseas at about the same frequency. The only difference was that the flights were shorter and almost exclusively to warm, south east pacific islands and beach locations. Never to a colder climate, inland and far from the sea. Love makes us push us out of our comfort zones; love gives me the courage to go places I would never imagine. 

With all the long haul travel that I’ve been doing, I’ve picked up a few travel tips that I would like to share with myself from the past when I first visited my boyfriend for the first time in 19 years:

1. Seats at the back or the middle row often do not get filled until the flight is full. Choose them to increase the probability of getting an entire row for the flight. 
2. Portable foot rest that hooks onto the tray in front of you is a better investment than a neck pillow. 
3. Benadryl, CBD, and melatonin combo. Say no more. 
4. Download the podcasts and Netflix series before you get on board. 
5. Bring disposable slippers on board.
6. Don’t have a heavy carryon when you have to transit in a US city to get to your destination. You’ll be stuck in immigration for at least an hour. 
7. Make sure you have at least 3 hours transit time. Otherwise be prepared to miss your flight and have to ask the airline to find a seat on the next flight out. 
8. Bring a large scarf for your domestic flight in the US. They don’t give you blankets. 
9. Try booking a flight where you transit in Canada so you don’t have to go through immigration until your destination. 
10. Be happy and grateful that you have the resources today to see your beau as frequently as you do because you have lots of air miles. You didn’t have this 20 years ago.

Commuting long distance is tough, but I’ve weighed up the pros and cons. I’m not sure what I did in my past life, but it seems I still owe the universe enough that I’m paying the price to be with the love of my life to this day. I’ll keep paying up and not rack up more debt to the universe. If I’m not careful, I’ll owe a lot in interest…

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

 Back in March 2005 I travelled to the other side of the planet from Tokyo on a 15hr journey to meet a man who met through this blog. He also owned a blog, and we would leave each other comments. That’s how it started. We somehow fell in love, but being in a long distance relationship during the MSN Messenger era was a bit too hard for me. We broke up, went our separate ways, and each of us got married and lived happily ever after. 

We stayed in touch, however, and sent each other Christmas greetings from time to time. Wondering how life was treating each other. We follow each other on social media, and hit “like” on milestone photos of children and pets.

We grow old in our respective countries, on the other side of the world, and when one of us passes, the other one gets wind of the conclusion through Facebook…  

In a parallel universe.

In this universe, however, the ending is slightly different, and it is still being written as you read this. 

When I think about my story, I remember a poem I read when I was still at school: Reason, Season, or Lifetime. Because I’m still trying to work out why this man is still in my life.

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My soon-to-be-ex husband thought I would never find anyone that would want to be with me when he agreed to opening up the marriage. He thought I would live in the countryside by myself forever, while he lives it up in the city house that I paid for. With my son. And while he rested on his laurels, thinking he need not make any effort to fix the disaster that became my 15year marriage, I reconnected with the man I flew 15hrs to visit 19 years ago. 

It turned out that as I entered an open marriage his divorce was finalised. Two lovers, separated in time and space, somehow were in a position where the universe gave us another chance. This time in the era of smartphones and wifi connection. This time with maturity and hindsight to guide us towards a healthier relationship. 

I flew again to the other side of the planet to see him after corresponding almost daily and developing an emotional bond for over 6 months. Distance forces us to take things slowly, and as a result, we make the most out of the time we spend together. We’re fond of each other, we respect each other, we listen to each other, and we’re there for each other. 

Is he here for a Lifetime? I don’t know. I hope so, but I’m still trying to find out. 

My soon to be ex husband? I wish for it to be a Reason. And his season to end soon  

Departmental Curse

The department I work for, I thought, had an unusually high divorce rate when I joined 7 years ago. Maybe it was because in my previous workplace, most of the people were long term singletons. Or these days, I think they are called “incels”. 

Unlike my consulting days, the team I work with has a good work-life balance. It’s just that there is some travel involved; but again, not to the level of my consulting days. I would say less than 20% travel.

At least 10% of the team (that I know) came back from their brief business trip to a “Dear John” letter from their spouse and an empty house. In some cases so empty there were no furnishings left in the house. 

How does one clear out a three bedroom house, with two kids and two cats, during a 5 day business trip? That’s an achievement worth mentioning on one’s LinkedIn profile.

As I go through my legal separation (aka divorce) from my son’s father, I am slowly coming to accept that I truly belong to this team of wonderful colleagues who are all divorced. It’s almost as if our department is cursed and being a divorcee is how we are initiated into this team of internal auditors.

Yes. I am an internal auditor.