Many years ago, I wrote about the modern marriage being a mere tax exemption, and that couples got into and stayed in a marriage for financial advantages only. That Love and Lust feature very little, and it was mostly about convenience of merging one's household. Little did I know that years later, I would understand the true meaning and weight of a marriage. Especially when one tries to break this legal bond as I have been trying to now for over 18 months.
I married my son's father back in 2008, after three years of being clean and sober. At the time, I thought I had recovered sufficiently from my addiction and mental health issues, that I had done the work so that I would be ready to be a partner that is present. I didn't want to believe the AA myth of being in early recovery for the first 5 years in the program. My desire to be part of a whole, to belong to my person, at the time was so strong that I chose to carve my path forward willing to learn about myself along the way.
My S2BX husband came into my life through introduction by a mutual friend. He was kind, attentive, and although not my "type" (whatever that means) I decided to give the relationship a chance. He is a difficult person with others, but at the time he showed me a different side of himself that I chose to believe was his true self, and that the awkward, angry person he portrayed to the rest of the world was just an armour he put on to face the harsh world outside.
Back in 2008, we never spoke of Love Bombing, or Gaslighting. These are vocabulary that I picked up more recently, and I'm glad there are words to describe what I experienced. My S2BX moved into my house after only 2 months of dating. That should have been red flag #1.
I still stand by my conviction that most people enter a legal marriage because there is some advantage compared to being alone or in a "couple-ship" without a marriage certificate. I also believe what "O" brought up years ago; about Love and Lust being a catalyst for entering a marriage, with the added benefit of a tax break.
After only 9 months of dating we decided to file papers with the local ward office (town hall) to get a marriage certificate. There was no proposal, no engagement party, no officiant walking us through vows. Just a piece of paper with signatures on behalf of the "bride" and the "groom". The reason for getting married was somewhat transactional: he needed a spouse visa before his work visa ran out (he was unemployed at the time throughout our relationship). This should have been red flags #2 and #3.
The first year of marriage, we fought each week, with threats of divorce as we shouted at each other. The second year, I learned to be "happy than to be right", and let a lot of things go and compromised my values. Third year, we were blessed with a son, but things started to go downhill from there.
By the 10th year of marriage, it was all but what we call "kateinai rikon" which loosely translates as "divorced within the marriage" (divorced, but still married is probably a better description). We ate separately, we took holidays separately, we went to bed separately (although we slept in the same bed), we managed money separately, we did life separately. I took a back seat in my own life so long as I had my needs were met (apart from physical) and neither of us was making life unbearable for each other, much like how the first year went.
I digress.
In Japan, where my S2BX and I live, there are three different ways to get a divorce, regardless of what district one lives in:
1) Kyogi Rikon (Divorce by mutual agreement): this is similar to how we got married. We hand in a piece of paper to our local administrative office saying that we came to a mutual agreement on all matters, and if there are children involved who will have parental rights post divorce, all with a signature each representing the ex-wife and ex-husband. Many countries, including the Netherlands where my S2BX is from, do not recognise this form of divorce as it can be fraudulently filed by one party without the other noticing that the divorce has been filed.
2) Chotei Rikon (Divorce by Mediation): this is where the courts appoint a mediator to work through with the two parties on conditions of divorce, including alimony, asset division, etc. Parental rights of any children gets sorted out here, with mutual agreement of the divorcing parties. Most divorces that involve children stop here.
3) Saiban Rikon (Divorce by Court): this is where if the mediation fails, the courts get fully involved determining whether there are grounds for divorce, conditions for divorce, including assets, liabilities, and children. This can take anything from a year up to ten years, depending on how difficult the parties are in providing the required evidence for the courts to rule. Once there is a ruling by the family court, and one of the parties appeal after the first ruling, it gets thrown like a hot potato to the district court, and finally to the supreme court.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that once married, the only way to disentangle yourself legally in a quick way is for both parties to be on the same page, and be big boys and girls to determine what happens post divorce. Unfortunately, being married to a Dutch national has taken away the opportunity for me to do this, and no matter how I come out of this, it will take time to get rid of my S2BX. Adding his difficult personality, we are currently at stage 3.
My legal entanglement with him is sticking to me like bubble gum on the sole of my shoe on a hot summer's day. It's hard to get off, and it just doesn't completely come off causing my shoe to continue sticking to the floor. Any attempts to remove it results in the gum sticking to whatever tool used to scrape it from the bottom of my shoe.
And so sticks my S2BSX to our marriage. It's going to be a while before I freeze the shoe and harden the gum enough to fall off. And so will he drop from my life.
